This is a blog post that I’ve wrote about 20 times but I haven’t had the guts to post it. I base my blog on honesty so I felt like I’d be cheating you all if I didn’t post this.
Truthfully, I’m at my lowest point right about now. I’m the loneliest I’ve ever felt, I have absolutely no confidence left and I feel barely any happiness anymore. I’m a mess.
Now some of you may be thinking ‘but you have a wonderful little boy, how can you be sad?!’ you’re right, he’s lovely and he does bring me SO much happiness every day of my life, he is what keeps me going. However that doesn’t make these feelings disappear, I wish it would.
I’ve had depression from a young age but have always managed it fine (she says). After having Oliver I can admit it has got worse, mainly because I’m now the most self conscious I’ve been and my life has changed so much.
My problems are far deeper than just my body though. My year so far hasn’t been the happiest, I have barely any family left, zero friends and no one I can just call to have a good old cry to. The only person I have to talk to is well, me.
I now dread the moment Oliver goes to sleep as that’s when it hits me most. I don’t have something keeping me busy so my mind runs away with itself.
I have plenty of people who make out like they really care about my well being and how I am but I’m not stupid. When push comes to shove, 99% of them aren’t there. Maybe that’s because no one knows I feel like this.. But should they need to?
I just wanted to admit it to myself more than anything, I’m unhappy.
I guess honesty is the only way I can try and make my life better, not just for me but for that beautiful little boy sleeping in the room next to me.